BFN or Cryptic?

My previous post, I posted how we had our first BFN.

Today I am writing alil confused. Remember in my previous post I said I need to get to the gyne because Iv been having weird aches & pains.

Today I still have a random ache here & there, but more then that Iv been sick. Sick with pregnancy symptoms or maybe not.

Iv been having slightly random nauseous mornings, afternoons & evenings. Iv been having very slight but noticeable heartburn. Sore breast is also becoming more constant. Iv been having headaches & mostly dizziness. The dizziness has been constant that I went to the doctor.

Dr did varies checks & sent me for blood tests. My sugar levels are fine, no high or low blood levels, no iron deficiency, normal white blood cells, normal full blood count. Dr did a pregnancy test & still neg. I need to go back to the Dr next week.

Iv been reading up on my symptoms & more then one site suggested it could be a cryptic pregnancy.

A cryptic pregnancy scares me alittle even though a huge part of me is hoping it’s true but that I will carry normal 9mmths.

Why it scares me:

• A cryptic pregnancy can take up to three years. • You show no hcg levels up until whenever it shows up, sometimes your whole pregnancy can pass with no hcg levels. • The feeling of feeling so alone & to scared to speak about it to Drs, friends or family, because people might think you are crazy. • The fear of what if it’s all in my head?

Our next cycle will be Sept & I’m trying to look forward to it, but I can’t shake what’s happening to my body. Our cycle before the previous cycle I carried till 5weeks so I don’t know what happens to your body after that but something is surely happening to my body.

Looking for bloggers who have gone through something like this.

Don’t let the picture fool you, most days I laugh without fear & other days I fear that it’s all me.

Love

The one half of the CrazyBeautifuls

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BFN

Today exactly a month ago 24/05/18 we had a bfn.

Iv been extremely slow to update. This cycle has been so different to the previous two we did. But that’s to expect as every cycle is different.

But personally & emotionally this cycle has been very different. We didn’t tell anyone about this cycle, no wait… Judz told her boss & colleague. Also only because we needed witnesses to sign on the donor forms & she asked the colleague & the boss, because she would have anyway had to ask for time of for the egg retrieval.

I didn’t tell anyone not even my boss. When I had to take time off I took half days & basically said it’s for the cysts Judz had. To be honest I didnt wanna tell anyone because it’s hard enough when you have neg or the embryos stop growing, it’s even harder when u have to tell ppl.

I figured if it’s a positive we will just surprise everyone with the good news.

But sadly it wasn’t good news.

A few days before our blood test I bought 2 pregnancy tests. At first I wanted to secretly take it the morning of the blood test & if it would have been a positive I wanted to wake Judz & surprise her. The night before I asked Judz if we should go get a pregnancy test to test the morning before the blood test. She said no, she doesn’t wanna know before the time & she doesn’t trust pregnancy tests as it can sometimes give a false positive.

I felt abit bummed out & decided not to take the test. But the morning of the pregnancy test I was laying awake contemplating if I should take the test. I didn’t wana wait awhole day & worry when will we hear from the Dr. So I decided to take it, and even if it’s positive or negative I decided not tell &Judz. I did take the test & it were negative.

I felt so bad when we sat at pathcare waiting to take a blood test. She was so positive & happy. And I a part off me also hoped the pregnancy test gave a false negative & that I could still be pregnant.

Judz were impatient the whole day & kept asking me if she can email the Dr to find out if they got the results yet. I didn’t want her to email cause I didn’t wanted to know the results. She eventually did email & I think got a reply before she left work. She didn’t call me or texted me, when I walked into the house & were busy in the kitchen & said babe it was negative.

I kinda wasn’t shocked or emotional. I just held Judz for a long moment & carried on with life. That is what was most different with this cycle, we weren’t as emotional as our last cycle. I don’t know when I cried about this cycle, I think a week after the news I was alone at home one Saturday & just cried my heart out & then life went on.

I still haven’t told Judz about the pregnancy test I took & don’t know how she will react.

If you guys are wondering about the cysts, Judz next gyne appointment is 10 July & then we will know more. But she still don’t have any pain of symptoms. I’m also thinking of making a gyne appointment as Iv been having weird aches & pains in my uterus after this cycle. It’s not pains that lasts long, just quick aches but very constant.

But we are doing good & still have Hope, Faith & Love.

I’ll try to check in soon.

Regards,

The CrazyBeautifuls 💕

2WW & Prayer

The two week wait can feel like the most confused time of your life. You go through a million emotions in one day. One moment you have faith & lots of hope, the next your mind is filled with fear & doubt.

What got me through the two week wait:

• Lotsa Prayer &

• Lay it down – 14 days of prayer during the 2WW by Lauren Bourne

God knows things don’t always feel right. I’m trusting and hopeful one minute and feel like a mess the next. I have faith and then I’m filled with doubt. Make things right for me, Lord. Take this mess of emotions and set them in order. Use your truth to affect me in ways I didn’t even think possible. You aren’t a God of confusion! You’re a God of peace, and I thank you that in this moment you will take this confusion I’m feeling and replace it with your supernatural peace.

I boldly ask that you would make things right in my soul. I hand over my mind, will, and emotions to you and ask that you would do a work in them as I seek your face. Transform my mind, align my will to yours, and make still my emotions.

Love

The one half of the CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Difficult Transfer

That’s what Dr.Hanekom called it. And boi, was it a long, difficult & sore transfer.

Rewind back, on 09 May we had egg retrieval. Judz had the whole day off but I only had the morning off. Judz was alil panicky as expected. We will never get the very first experience of egg retrieval out of our memory. It was pretty scary for Judz. After 3mins in, Judz came back out & my heart was about to race. Walked with her to the changing room & she said I have to pee pee babe, they say my bladder is a lil full. Whew 😅

Judz went back in & while busy having our 7eggs retrieved, I was outside reading a baby mag (cliche right? 😀) suddenly this guy came to sit next to me looking very stressed. He started talking to me, turns out his gf was about to have a C-Sec & he did not want to be in the room because he was scared of the cutting. I tried to calm him down & actually convinced him to be present as this is the most special moment for both his gf & him.

Fast forward to 14 May, we had 7 healthy eggs retrieved, on transfer day, 2 embryos was a good grade, 1 would have made it just that day & the other 4 was alil behind. We were contemplating if we should put three or two embryos back (remind me I have to blog about the number 3 sometime) I got the confirmation I wanted & we went with two.

Why a difficult transfer? Dr.Hanekom spend what felt like hours but was actually really 30+mins just to get to my womb or the right positioning there off. It was unpleasant & really sore. I had a crazy full bladder which was needed for a transfer, and the embryologist was pressing so hard for 30+mins on it with the Sonar to allow Dr.Hanekom to see what he was doing.

After those “hours” Dr.Hanekom found the right positioning & put our two #crazybeautiful embryos in. I cried softly the whole time while Judz was holding my hands above my head & talking to me trying to get me through it. Our babies really made us work for it this time, but to have them with us, I would go through it all again so much more hours.

Now we are on the two week wait.

Talk to you soon guys.

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Slow Follicles ¥

Judz finished the Menopur and had her second scan on Friday 4 May 18. Her follicles were only 14” and not ready for the trigger. Our previous two times around that time her follicles were huge already.

The Dr prescribed another 6 vials to take that same morning after our appointment & Saturday & Sunday. Judz third & my second scan was this morning (Sunday) at 08:00. We arrived at M.kem past 7h for the quick shot before we headed to the appointment & surprise surprise it only opened at 8h. We decided she can take it after our appointment because Judz don’t trust me with needles, I don’t even trust myself 😀

Well she had 3 perfect follicles on her left side & 2 on the right. But the other were still at 14” and 16”. The Dr that was on weekend duty asked that she come for another scan tomorrow after taking the last Menopur & hopefully we will trigger Wednesday or Thursday.

I don’t know why her follicles are so slow this time around. I’m wondering if it’s the cyst or not. The cyst is still there but lucky haven’t grown. So that’s a good thing.. I think.

My lining was perfect & Judz seemed very excited about that.

Are we worried about the cyst & this cycle? Maybe alil. But I will not fear because I know who’s testimony this actually is. Even though this might be that time or not.

One thing I have learned on this ICSI journey though are, every cycle is different. Good & Bad different. But I know it’ll be worth it.

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

30 April 2018

We had our first appointment & scan today. I’d like to say we were excited & couldn’t wait, but that was not the case. In fact it felt like we were just going through the motions. Not because we couldn’t be excited, but because me & Juds had a big argument on Saturday & hasn’t spoken since.

It’s sad cause not even the hope & start to our next cycle could salvage that silence.

Anyway our appointment was set for 07:00 & Dr Gerhard was on time & immediately attended to us. Juds were scanned first & since she only started with Menopur yesterday, the follicles were few but small. My scan were second & the lining started forming slowly.

With Judz scan the Dr noticed a cyst next to her right ovary. A cyst that might be an endometrios or some other name I cannot pronounce. For now it’s not a concern & if it doesn’t go away, she will have to have a small surgery to remove it.

Luckily she already had a gyne appointment booked since last year for 11 May. So that Gyne will probably advise.

Judz next scan is on Friday & mine Sunday. Hopefully we will be on speaking terms by then & here might be a whole lotta excitement.

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Mother’s Day

Every big holiday me & Judz try to alternate every year, whom we spend it with.

Yesterday we were lucky to spend time with my mum as well as hers. The two second most important people in our lives. Also two very different people. My mum is quite high maintenance, where my mother-in-law is quite humbled. My mums high maintenance helps when looking for gifts cause she tells me exactly what she wants, where we spend hours looking for a gift for MIL who does not even except a gift at all.

But both are so good hearted and would move mountains for their daughters.

I hope all the bio mothers, non-bio mothers, adoptive mothers, step mothers, mothers who lost, mothers who still hope, had a crazy beautiful & blessed Mother’s Day.

One of my friends wished me Happy Mother’s Day. Although I carried you two for a short period of five weeks, you made me a mother. You gave me hope. I miss you guys every day of my life.

But thank you for making me a Mother.

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls 💕

New Song ¥

Iv been asking the Lord for a new song & when I weren’t looking he gave me exactly that, a NEW SONG.

Cause you see I Never thought I’d see the light again, now I got something I can see again. I think I can finally breathe again, I got something to believe in; I can finally see the end!

Never thought we would be here again. Now I feel like I should leave again, but I tell myself.. It’s okay they’re only feelings.

I feel like I can feel again; I can finally see the end ¥

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Contraceptives

Les be honest, lesbians on contraceptives are quite something… 😀

Judz & I have been on Nordette since Dec. Dr Thabo (oh how I miss this man) has put us on Nordette in dec, in the hope that we will start again end Feb or beginning March when Dr Hanekom starts.

Since our prescription was till middle Feb, we enquired for another prescription to last us till March. The lab advised us to go to our GP who can also give us a prescription, however we learned Dr Hanekom is now only starting middle March & will prioritize the files and advise a start date.

What is the use of staying on Nordette till March & then only getting a date in April or May or whenever? Thinking of kicking the Pill till we get a date & Dr Hanekom decides to put us on it again.

Is it even healthy to stay on it for so long?

Anyway just wanted to do an update. I know I don’t update so often anymore but there’s not much to update.

Me & Judz is doing well, it took me much longer to move on, still have moments of deep grief, but I am so much looking forward to the story God is busy writing for us.

Chow babes.

Love

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Journey On

Journey On by Elms District ¥

Elms District – Journey On Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Ever since we started with this journey, this song has gotten me through every step. All the follicles & lining tracking appointments, the injections, the egg retrieval, the embryo transfer, the blood tests, this song has gotten me through and on to every single next step.

These days I find it difficult for this song to get me through the difficult moments. I don’t remember when last I listened to this song. But I hope when I do listen to it again, that it will bring me hope again & help me get through the next steps ¥

Love

C Leukes

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥