2WW & Prayer

The two week wait can feel like the most confused time of your life. You go through a million emotions in one day. One moment you have faith & lots of hope, the next your mind is filled with fear & doubt.

What got me through the two week wait:

• Lotsa Prayer &

• Lay it down – 14 days of prayer during the 2WW by Lauren Bourne

God knows things don’t always feel right. I’m trusting and hopeful one minute and feel like a mess the next. I have faith and then I’m filled with doubt. Make things right for me, Lord. Take this mess of emotions and set them in order. Use your truth to affect me in ways I didn’t even think possible. You aren’t a God of confusion! You’re a God of peace, and I thank you that in this moment you will take this confusion I’m feeling and replace it with your supernatural peace.

I boldly ask that you would make things right in my soul. I hand over my mind, will, and emotions to you and ask that you would do a work in them as I seek your face. Transform my mind, align my will to yours, and make still my emotions.


The one half of the CrazyBeautifuls ¥


Difficult Transfer

That’s what Dr.Hanekom called it. And boi, was it a long, difficult & sore transfer.

Rewind back, on 09 May we had egg retrieval. Judz had the whole day off but I only had the morning off. Judz was alil panicky as expected. We will never get the very first experience of egg retrieval out of our memory. It was pretty scary for Judz. After 3mins in, Judz came back out & my heart was about to race. Walked with her to the changing room & she said I have to pee pee babe, they say my bladder is a lil full. Whew 😅

Judz went back in & while busy having our 7eggs retrieved, I was outside reading a baby mag (cliche right? 😀) suddenly this guy came to sit next to me looking very stressed. He started talking to me, turns out his gf was about to have a C-Sec & he did not want to be in the room because he was scared of the cutting. I tried to calm him down & actually convinced him to be present as this is the most special moment for both his gf & him.

Fast forward to 14 May, we had 7 healthy eggs retrieved, on transfer day, 2 embryos was a good grade, 1 would have made it just that day & the other 4 was alil behind. We were contemplating if we should put three or two embryos back (remind me I have to blog about the number 3 sometime) I got the confirmation I wanted & we went with two.

Why a difficult transfer? Dr.Hanekom spend what felt like hours but was actually really 30+mins just to get to my womb or the right positioning there off. It was unpleasant & really sore. I had a crazy full bladder which was needed for a transfer, and the embryologist was pressing so hard for 30+mins on it with the Sonar to allow Dr.Hanekom to see what he was doing.

After those “hours” Dr.Hanekom found the right positioning & put our two #crazybeautiful embryos in. I cried softly the whole time while Judz was holding my hands above my head & talking to me trying to get me through it. Our babies really made us work for it this time, but to have them with us, I would go through it all again so much more hours.

Now we are on the two week wait.

Talk to you soon guys.


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Slow Follicles ¥

Judz finished the Menopur and had her second scan on Friday 4 May 18. Her follicles were only 14” and not ready for the trigger. Our previous two times around that time her follicles were huge already.

The Dr prescribed another 6 vials to take that same morning after our appointment & Saturday & Sunday. Judz third & my second scan was this morning (Sunday) at 08:00. We arrived at M.kem past 7h for the quick shot before we headed to the appointment & surprise surprise it only opened at 8h. We decided she can take it after our appointment because Judz don’t trust me with needles, I don’t even trust myself 😀

Well she had 3 perfect follicles on her left side & 2 on the right. But the other were still at 14” and 16”. The Dr that was on weekend duty asked that she come for another scan tomorrow after taking the last Menopur & hopefully we will trigger Wednesday or Thursday.

I don’t know why her follicles are so slow this time around. I’m wondering if it’s the cyst or not. The cyst is still there but lucky haven’t grown. So that’s a good thing.. I think.

My lining was perfect & Judz seemed very excited about that.

Are we worried about the cyst & this cycle? Maybe alil. But I will not fear because I know who’s testimony this actually is. Even though this might be that time or not.

One thing I have learned on this ICSI journey though are, every cycle is different. Good & Bad different. But I know it’ll be worth it.


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

30 April 2018

We had our first appointment & scan today. I’d like to say we were excited & couldn’t wait, but that was not the case. In fact it felt like we were just going through the motions. Not because we couldn’t be excited, but because me & Juds had a big argument on Saturday & hasn’t spoken since.

It’s sad cause not even the hope & start to our next cycle could salvage that silence.

Anyway our appointment was set for 07:00 & Dr Gerhard was on time & immediately attended to us. Juds were scanned first & since she only started with Menopur yesterday, the follicles were few but small. My scan were second & the lining started forming slowly.

With Judz scan the Dr noticed a cyst next to her right ovary. A cyst that might be an endometrios or some other name I cannot pronounce. For now it’s not a concern & if it doesn’t go away, she will have to have a small surgery to remove it.

Luckily she already had a gyne appointment booked since last year for 11 May. So that Gyne will probably advise.

Judz next scan is on Friday & mine Sunday. Hopefully we will be on speaking terms by then & here might be a whole lotta excitement.


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Mother’s Day

Every big holiday me & Judz try to alternate every year, whom we spend it with.

Yesterday we were lucky to spend time with my mum as well as hers. The two second most important people in our lives. Also two very different people. My mum is quite high maintenance, where my mother-in-law is quite humbled. My mums high maintenance helps when looking for gifts cause she tells me exactly what she wants, where we spend hours looking for a gift for MIL who does not even except a gift at all.

But both are so good hearted and would move mountains for their daughters.

I hope all the bio mothers, non-bio mothers, adoptive mothers, step mothers, mothers who lost, mothers who still hope, had a crazy beautiful & blessed Mother’s Day.

One of my friends wished me Happy Mother’s Day. Although I carried you two for a short period of five weeks, you made me a mother. You gave me hope. I miss you guys every day of my life.

But thank you for making me a Mother.


The CrazyBeautifuls 💕

New Song ¥

Iv been asking the Lord for a new song & when I weren’t looking he gave me exactly that, a NEW SONG.

Cause you see I Never thought I’d see the light again, now I got something I can see again. I think I can finally breathe again, I got something to believe in; I can finally see the end!

Never thought we would be here again. Now I feel like I should leave again, but I tell myself.. It’s okay they’re only feelings.

I feel like I can feel again; I can finally see the end ¥


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥


Les be honest, lesbians on contraceptives are quite something… 😀

Judz & I have been on Nordette since Dec. Dr Thabo (oh how I miss this man) has put us on Nordette in dec, in the hope that we will start again end Feb or beginning March when Dr Hanekom starts.

Since our prescription was till middle Feb, we enquired for another prescription to last us till March. The lab advised us to go to our GP who can also give us a prescription, however we learned Dr Hanekom is now only starting middle March & will prioritize the files and advise a start date.

What is the use of staying on Nordette till March & then only getting a date in April or May or whenever? Thinking of kicking the Pill till we get a date & Dr Hanekom decides to put us on it again.

Is it even healthy to stay on it for so long?

Anyway just wanted to do an update. I know I don’t update so often anymore but there’s not much to update.

Me & Judz is doing well, it took me much longer to move on, still have moments of deep grief, but I am so much looking forward to the story God is busy writing for us.

Chow babes.


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Journey On

Journey On by Elms District ¥

Elms District – Journey On Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Ever since we started with this journey, this song has gotten me through every step. All the follicles & lining tracking appointments, the injections, the egg retrieval, the embryo transfer, the blood tests, this song has gotten me through and on to every single next step.

These days I find it difficult for this song to get me through the difficult moments. I don’t remember when last I listened to this song. But I hope when I do listen to it again, that it will bring me hope again & help me get through the next steps ¥


C Leukes

The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

Chemical Pregnancy??

What is a chemical pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy loss that occurs shortly after implantation. Chemical pregnancies may account for 50 to 75 percent of all miscarriages.

Chemical pregnancies take place before ultrasounds can detect a fetus, but not too early for a pregnancy test to detect levels of hCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. This is a pregnancy hormone the embryo creates after implantation. Your doctor can confirm a chemical pregnancy by testing your blood for it.

A chemical pregnancy can have no symptoms. Some women have an early miscarriage without realizing they were pregnant. For women who do have symptoms, these may include menstrual-like stomach cramping and vaginal bleeding within days of getting a positive pregnancy result.

Which is exactly what happened in our case. I got a positive bhcg of 63 at my first blood test, at my second blood test it doubled well. Then shortly after I started my bleeding, I had another blood test & the bhcg still doubled which is strange. But I believe shortly after it started to decrease.

God woke me up the following Sunday and I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I don’t know if I had a dream or what, but when I woke I did not feel pregnant. I didn’t wake my wife and just went to lay on the couch. Later that morning I told Judz that I no longer felt pregnant & she just held me and asked why would I feel that way and tried to assure me that we still are pregnant.

Later that day I went out shopping with a friend and baught alil more pregnancy dresses & one pants. I didn’t want to loose my faith although something made me feel un easy when I baught the clothes. I also baught another pregnancy test that I wanted to take when I got home. Later that evening I did the pregnancy test and it came up negative. Judz was baffled I guess and I was just quite. We prayed & informed my doctor, asking him if we need to go for another blood test or if he can do an ultrasound.

Since it was quite late that we text we didn’t have a response yet the next morning, but decided to go for the blood test anyway. While at pathcare the doctor replied and said yes blood test first and then u/s. Later that day the results came back and my bhcg levels has dropped to 10. Dr T explained that it’s a bio chemical pregnancy & was pretty sad for our part. I guess it wasn’t necessary for the scan cause he never scheduled one.

I try not to ask why, I try to go on & trust that its never about our plan but the Lords. I know his timing is perfect although I wanted it to be this time, now! Our time!

Next time I check in, I’ll let you know where we are emotionally.


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥

BHCG results

What is Beta hcg? It’s The quantitative human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) blood test measures the level of hCG hormone present in a sample of your blood. HCG is a hormone that is produced during pregnancy. … betahCG blood test.

First bhcg results – 20 Nov 17 💛 63

Second bhcg results – 22 Nov 17 🧡 132

Third bhcg results – 28 Nov 17 ❤️ 342

Fourth bhcg results – 04 Dec 17 💔 10

= Chemical Pregnancy ¥

I’ll share more on a chemical pregnancy & where we are right now. But please excuse me while I take sometime with my heart ¥


The CrazyBeautifuls ¥